Wednesday, February 21, 2018

The Journey To A New Life (Part 4)- Falling Into The Mennonite World

Something strange happens when you start going to a moderate to very conservative Mennonite church.  (I can’t speak on any others then the ones that I have been to of course.)

Seeing the seemingly perfect, orderly lives of this beautiful women in the perfectly ironed homemade dresses had an effect on me.  In fact, for a time, I think that the way that these families lived had our whole family under a spell of sorts.

The people are so eager to learn about you, and share their lives with you.  This is even reflected in their church directories, which read like a very in depth diary of each family’s life.  At first you feel like they just care very deeply for you.  And they really do.  But this is also how they stay accountable to one another.  (Every member of a Mennonite church is required to live by the “standards”, or rules, of that particular church.  This includes the written and unwritten rules set forth by the church leaders.)

As you see so many people, working so hard to stay accountable to the church, you find yourself wanting to “fit in”.  And, as the standards are all “biblical” (in their eyes at least), this seems like a good thing.  However, we personally believe that it is a huge stretch to match some of the church’s standards with the bible verses that they match them to.  Most do not at all speak to the same things.  Our personal view is that there is a strong attempt to take a culture and make it scriptural.

At the conservative Mennonite church that we moved to, here are some of the rules that they live by:

- A woman’s dress is made with the utmost modesty in mind.  It will have a cape (modesty panel like you see in the Amish dresses).  The neckline will be high and rounded off to be as close to the neck as possible, as they believe that showing the neck bones is immodest.  At church especially, you will have a matching belt on the dress (modesty in their view).  There will be no red color in the fabric, and the fabric design pattern cannot be larger than a dime (so as not to be flashy).  The skirts are longer then calf length.  You always wear black nylons and black shoes with your dress.  Girls follow most of the same rules, but do not wear a cape or cap when they are younger.  There are also expectations about the head covering (cap).  Women and girls must never cut their hair, ever.  They believe 1 Corinthians 11 calls them not to ever cut their hair if they are a girl.

- Men and boys all wear jeans or dark dress pants, depending on the activity.  They wear button down shirts.  You do not wear “camo” unless you are hunting at the time.  You do not wear logos on your clothing.  You are expected to have a neat and simple hair cut.  You are to always be clean shaven, no beard or mustache.

- When you buy a car, it will be a color that is darker and not flashy.  And they have a man in the church that knows how to unhook your radio wires for you, as there is no listening to radios if you are a member in this church. 

-If you buy a computer, you must buy one through church connections.  The people in the church will remove anything that does not conform to the standards of your church.  (No video player, no internet browser, etc. at the very conservative church.)

-Your children will all go to the church school until age 13.  And even if you aren’t members of the church, you will follow a list of church rules in your home to make it possible for them to go there. (No cutting your daughter’s hair, no internet, or TV, or radio in the home at all, etc.)  This is to prevent negative outside influences in the school.

-There are two to three church services a week, and you are expected to be at all of them, unless you are seriously ill or traveling.  (This means that you are in church for up to five hours a week.)  If you are not there, you will be asked why you weren’t there.

I could go on, but I think that this gives a pretty good idea.  The point of all of this is that we didn’t learn about all of these rules, and many more besides, at once.  It happened slowly, progressively. 

As we conformed to more to their rules and ways of living, we thought that we were doing the right thing.  We thought that to be serious about our faith we needed to work harder, and be the “perfect” Christian.  And they certainly seemed to fit the bill as our role models.

But there was a problem with our thinking at this point.  First, our efforts will never “earn us” a place in heaven.  This is why we needed Jesus to come.  It is good to be the best child of God we can be.  This is the fruit of our faith in Christ.  But we must never trust in our own efforts for our salvation.  It is not by our works, so that no man can boast . . . (Ephesians 2:8-10

And second, it is good to live by Hebrews 13:17, and to submit to the guidance of our ministers (so long as what they say agrees with God’s word).  But we must also remember these verses, 1 Peter 5:1-3, and the call for the pastor to not “lord over” the church but to be examples to those in “his flock” of what godly living looks like.

The more that we tried to please the Mennonite church, the harder it was to see God.  The harder we worked to follow their exhaustive list of rules (that I’m sorry was not all biblical, but in large part extra-biblical) the more miserable and judgmental of others on “the outside” we became.

It became like the parable in the bible about the Pharisee and the tax collector all over again. (Luke 18:9-14)

As I became more miserable, my response was to see the faults of the church, and become very bitter.  I was angry with the way that they judged those inside, and especially outside, by their standards for what a “true Christian” should be.  I was grieved by the extreme strain that that striving was doing to our family, and to their families.  I saw my own children turning against me in judgement and confusion during this time as well.  It felt like everything was falling apart. 

Fortunately my husband and I were in constant communication during this time, and we were in agreement that we had to leave the church.  But how could we do it without alienating our children?  They hadn’t seen or heard all that we had from within the church, and didn’t feel the same way that we did about needing to leave.  We needed to back away from the church and school slowly, in order to not do more damage in our family.  (Our daughter was in the school at this time.)  And I still had a very important, but painful, lesson to learn.

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(Side note: Unfortunately, a number of marriages have ended after a couple or family came into Mennonite churches like the two churches we visited.  It seems that it might be due to lack of communication (or agreement) about one of the two wanting to leave the church, and them feeling like they have to chose to leave their spouse in order to leave the church.  Or, it seems to be because things happening while in the church have driven a wedge between them.)

(Disclaimer:  This series includes the personal experience of our family in both moderately conservative, and ultra conservative Mennonite churches.  I am only speaking for our experience personally, and what we personally know.)


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