The Journey To A New Life (Part 4)- Falling Into The Mennonite World

Something strange happens when you start going to a moderate to very conservative Mennonite church.  (I can’t speak on any others then the ones that I have been to of course.)

Seeing the seemingly perfect, orderly lives of this beautiful women in the perfectly ironed homemade dresses had an effect on me.  In fact, for a time, I think that the way that these families lived had our whole family under a spell of sorts.

The people are so eager to learn about you, and share their lives with you.  This is even reflected in their church directories, which read like a very in depth diary of each family’s life.  At first you feel like they just care very deeply for you.  And they really do.  But this is also how they stay accountable to one another.  (Every member of a Mennonite church is required to live by the “standards”, or rules, of that particular church.  This includes the written and unwritten rules set forth by the church leaders.)

As you see so many people, working so hard to stay accountable to the church, you find yourself wanting to “fit in”.  And, as the standards are all “biblical” (in their eyes at least), this seems like a good thing.  However, we personally believe that it is a huge stretch to match some of the church’s standards with the bible verses that they match them to.  Most do not at all speak to the same things.  Our personal view is that there is a strong attempt to take a culture and make it scriptural.

At the conservative Mennonite church that we moved to, here are some of the rules that they live by:

- A woman’s dress is made with the utmost modesty in mind.  It will have a cape (modesty panel like you see in the Amish dresses).  The neckline will be high and rounded off to be as close to the neck as possible, as they believe that showing the neck bones is immodest.  At church especially, you will have a matching belt on the dress (modesty in their view).  There will be no red color in the fabric, and the fabric design pattern cannot be larger than a dime (so as not to be flashy).  The skirts are longer then calf length.  You always wear black nylons and black shoes with your dress.  Girls follow most of the same rules, but do not wear a cape or cap when they are younger.  There are also expectations about the head covering (cap).  Women and girls must never cut their hair, ever.  They believe 1 Corinthians 11 calls them not to ever cut their hair if they are a girl.

- Men and boys all wear jeans or dark dress pants, depending on the activity.  They wear button down shirts.  You do not wear “camo” unless you are hunting at the time.  You do not wear logos on your clothing.  You are expected to have a neat and simple hair cut.  You are to always be clean shaven, no beard or mustache.

- When you buy a car, it will be a color that is darker and not flashy.  And they have a man in the church that knows how to unhook your radio wires for you, as there is no listening to radios if you are a member in this church. 

-If you buy a computer, you must buy one through church connections.  The people in the church will remove anything that does not conform to the standards of your church.  (No video player, no internet browser, etc. at the very conservative church.)

-Your children will all go to the church school until age 13.  And even if you aren’t members of the church, you will follow a list of church rules in your home to make it possible for them to go there. (No cutting your daughter’s hair, no internet, or TV, or radio in the home at all, etc.)  This is to prevent negative outside influences in the school.

-There are two to three church services a week, and you are expected to be at all of them, unless you are seriously ill or traveling.  (This means that you are in church for up to five hours a week.)  If you are not there, you will be asked why you weren’t there.

I could go on, but I think that this gives a pretty good idea.  The point of all of this is that we didn’t learn about all of these rules, and many more besides, at once.  It happened slowly, progressively. 

As we conformed to more to their rules and ways of living, we thought that we were doing the right thing.  We thought that to be serious about our faith we needed to work harder, and be the “perfect” Christian.  And they certainly seemed to fit the bill as our role models.

But there was a problem with our thinking at this point.  First, our efforts will never “earn us” a place in heaven.  This is why we needed Jesus to come.  It is good to be the best child of God we can be.  This is the fruit of our faith in Christ.  But we must never trust in our own efforts for our salvation.  It is not by our works, so that no man can boast . . . (Ephesians 2:8-10) 

And second, it is good to live by Hebrews 13:17, and to submit to the guidance of our ministers (so long as what they say agrees with God’s word).  But we must also remember these verses, 1 Peter 5:1-3, and the call for the pastor to not “lord over” the church but to be examples to those in “his flock” of what godly living looks like.

The more that we tried to please the Mennonite church, the harder it was to see God.  The harder we worked to follow their exhaustive list of rules (that I’m sorry was not all biblical, but in large part extra-biblical) the more miserable and judgmental of others on “the outside” we became.

It became like the parable in the bible about the Pharisee and the tax collector all over again. (Luke 18:9-14)

As I became more miserable, my response was to see the faults of the church, and become very bitter.  I was angry with the way that they judged those inside, and especially outside, by their standards for what a “true Christian” should be.  I was grieved by the extreme strain that that striving was doing to our family, and to their families.  I saw my own children turning against me in judgement and confusion during this time as well.  It felt like everything was falling apart. 

Fortunately my husband and I were in constant communication during this time, and we were in agreement that we had to leave the church.  But how could we do it without alienating our children?  They hadn’t seen or heard all that we had from within the church, and didn’t feel the same way that we did about needing to leave.  We needed to back away from the church and school slowly, in order to not do more damage in our family.  (Our daughter was in the school at this time.)  And I still had a very important, but painful, lesson to learn.

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(Side note: Unfortunately, a number of marriages have ended after a couple or family came into Mennonite churches like the two churches we visited.  It seems that it might be due to lack of communication (or agreement) about one of the two wanting to leave the church, and them feeling like they have to chose to leave their spouse in order to leave the church.  Or, it seems to be because things happening while in the church have driven a wedge between them.)

(Disclaimer:  This series includes the personal experience of our family in both moderately conservative, and ultra conservative Mennonite churches.  I am only speaking for our experience personally, and what we personally know.)

The Journey To A New Life (Part 3)- A Mennonite Experience

(Note:  This is not the same experience that you would have at every Mennonite church.  This is in regards to the conservative Mennonite churches that we visited.  As a friend of mine once said, “There are many ‘flavors’ of Mennonites.”  This is just by perspective on our personal experience.  Nothing more.)

So, now we were well on our way to living as Mennonites, or at least strongly steering in that direction.  What does their world look like?  Well, I will say that it is vastly different looking when you are on the outside completely.  You have some idea when you spend some time with them about once every three weeks, as we did in Michigan.  But, going to their church every week, and living among them, is so different from either of those that you can’t fully understand it if you don’t try living it.

As we prepared our move, as I’ve said, we were going to a (moderately) conservative Mennonite church in Michigan about every three weeks.  In other words, we were getting a taste of Mennonite life.  We thought we knew what we were getting into, but we didn’t . . . yet.

Let me give you a picture of how this limited view only serves to feed our romanticized view of Anabaptist life.  Imagine that you are new at a Mennonite church.  The building looks something like the church/school building out of  the “Little House on the Prairie” TV show.  There is only a simple wooden clock on the wall, no cross. The men and boys walk in with black dress pants, and white button down shirts.  Women and girls all wear neatly ironed homemade dresses.  The girls all have braids down their backs.  The women all have their hair in a neat, tight bun under their perfectly starched caps (head coverings), and their dresses have “capes” (a fabric panel over the upper torso for modesty). 

You walk in, and all of the women stand around talking together like a bunch of little school girls, but quiet and proper like all the same.  The girls cluster nearby.  The women talk politely and animatedly about their week.  They ask you how your week was, and tell you about what they did, where they went, what they canned or sewed that week, etc.  There might be a newly courting couple mentioned, or a new marriage, or baby.

The men stand to the other side of the building talking about what they did that week, the boys cluster to talk nearby.  The men talk about how work went (many of them farm, are in building trades, or own their own businesses).  They might be looking for good weather to harvest their fields, or maybe they are building a new out building, etc..

At first, it is kind of refreshing really.  There is no swearing, or vulgar jokes.  That is really quite nice!

Now it is about five minutes till church starts.  As if on a timer, everyone mechanically files in to sit down.  The women and children sit on one side, the men on the other.  The elderly sit up front in the respective “Amen corners”, then the youth (teens) are near the front on either side, then the adults behind them with the smaller children. They all stop talking to quietly prepare their hearts to worship God.

As the service starts a man leads the singing of the hymns, all sung in four-part harmony.  (They believe that there are no instruments mentioned in the New Testament other then those played by angels, so therefore instruments have no part in their lives and worship.  All music is a Capella, voices only.) And as they practice singing in their church schools from a young age, it sounds beautiful.

I can’t for sure remember the order now, but then there is Sunday School time, a minister might share a personal testimony, there is prayer time (knees on the wood or carpeted floor, no kneeler, facing the bench), and a sermon and more singing.  The service starts at 10 am and ends at 12 noon, almost exactly, every week for the Sunday morning service.

As soon as everyone is released from the service the talking resumes.  If you are new, you will get asked a lot of questions.  They want to know everything about you.  And everyone wants to invite you over for dinner (lunch).   (Among Mennonite households, cleaning is done on Saturdays by the entire family, just in case they have guests on Sunday.)  In fact, if you keep attending church there, expect to receive at least one invitation every week until every family has had you to their home.

As you go into the conservative Mennonite home you will probably notice the absence of many things.  They might listen to a Capella hymn recordings, but they would not listen to other music, nor would they listen to the radio.  There is no TV, or internet (generally), but there might be a computer (stripped down by the church to their standards, to avoid temptation).  The home and furnishings are simple, and there is a lot of woodwork, beautiful woodwork.  It is very homey, with a large kitchen table typically.

The wife and any daughters help put the meal on, while the men visit in the living room until the meal is ready.  They won’t make a woman that is a guest from “the outside” help, but you will definitely impress them if you do. 

Finally, the food is on the table, and everyone sits around it.  It is a huge amount of food.  There is a main dish, many sides, fresh baked bread, homemade jam, and homemade dessert.  You start to drool, and boy are you hungry!

The man of the house starts the prayer, often times praying for the family or families eating with them that day.  Then the passing around of the food begins.

After dinner, all of the women and older girls do dishes, and then put them all away.  A lively conversation happens throughout.  The men are again lounging and talking in the meantime.

Now the children play.  The adults either talk together as couples, or as a group of men and a group of women.  The visiting lasts for a few hours, until it is time to leave, or go to the next house for supper.  (Sometimes, if two families want to invite you over, the second one to ask will invite you over for supper after dinner at the first house.)

Coming home from all of this is exciting.  You see a group of people with no noticeable church politics, no fancy church building or houses, who seemingly like everyone else, and would do anything for each other, that don’t swear or talk badly about anyone else or say anything even unpleasant.  It honestly feels like a wonderful parallel imaginary world, at first.  But, as you learn more, you realize that as natural as all of this looks . . . it’s not really.  They are human too, and there is a lot more to it . . .

The Journey To A New Life (Part 2)- The Change

As we planned our move to the next state over, we also passed our beloved bible study with the homeless and needy on to others in the church we used to attend (Trinity).  This was a very difficult time.  The homeless and in need that came to Trinity were seeing all of the changes that were taking place in us.  They knew that we were leaving the ministry, and the state.  But they didn’t want us to go, nor did they understand why we were leaving, other then that God was calling us away.  (We also had another son during this transition time.)

Family and friends were also hard pressed to find answers to why we had changed, and why we were leaving.  We told them that God was calling us.  They asked questions like, “Are you moving there for a job?”, “Do you have family there?”, and “Why doesn’t God call you some place warmer?”  To all this we answered, “No”, “No”, and “Because that is not the way He works.”  When we said that we were moving because God called us there, it didn’t make sense to people.  However when they didn’t understand our answer for why we were leaving, and my husband joked that it was because “we like cheese” suddenly it made sense to them.  (OK, so that we would move to another state simply because God called makes no sense to you?  But if you move simply because you like cheese, THAT makes sense?!  Sigh.)

As the day got closer for us to move, my husband and I found ourselves purging belongings we had hung onto for years and years.  While I don’t regret anything that we got rid of, I do remember thinking thoughts like “Well, we won’t need this in the Mennonite church!” entering into some of our decisions of what to get rid of.  We threw away things such as varsity jackets, yearbooks, and old prom pictures.  We donated boxes and boxes of old belongings, so much so that I am sure the guys at the local Salvation Army were growing tired of us.  I donated almost everything clothing-wise that was “pre-Mennonite”.  I was wearing cape dresses and veil type head coverings exclusively now, so all my old jeans went bye-bye.

We were also weaning ourselves from other things that were not in fitting with Mennonite living.  We were dressing like Mennonites, talking like Mennonites, acting more like they act, living more like they live.  And we were thinking more like they think.  I remember saying things during this time to Mennonite friends that basically had an attitude of how ,”I used to think this thought, or talk, or music, or Christian attitude was ok, but now I realize that the Mennonite way is the better way.”  And this was perfectly understandable to them.

I now see how dangerous my thoughts and attitudes were becoming during that time, and how I was yearning more and more to say and do what I thought would gain approval from the Mennonites around me.

(Disclaimer:  This series includes the personal experience of our family in both moderately conservative, and ultra conservative Mennonite churches.  I am only speaking for our experience personally, and what we personally know.  Please continue reading to see how God works in this.  He wastes nothing!)